Would You Like Some Cheese With That Book?

I have a guilty little secret. 

I like to read romance novels. 

I'm picky about which ones I read.   Cowboys do nothing for me, nor do I like cops, firemen, or military types.

All in all, modern romances make me roll my eyes, and nearly gag.  I'm really not a romantic, most of the time.

However, there is something about the historical ones.  Maybe it's some sort of throwback from my youth, of being forced to watch PBS, and countless British Period Dramas....

At any rate, I do read the historical ones, and there are some author's that I swear by...that write funny, smart and engaging books. 

But, for some reason, a lot of the historical writers seem to get all "purple prose" when it comes to describing the sex scenes.  Seriously, sometimes it's so ridiculous, that I sit there and laugh hysterically, when I KNOW that's not the reaction they were trying to invoke.  I mean, come on...."her HONEYPOT"??

I ran across one the other day....that actually said "his steaming jet of love."  Um, seriously?  STEAMING? Does he have a disease??  I swear, sometimes I sit there thinking "Do they REALLY think that was a good description?  Could we have not come up with something a little less cheesy?"

So, it's actually become a bit of a joke w/ me and the neighbor girls, as they read a lot of romances, too. If we find a particularly horrible description, we'll immediately relate it to each other, laughing hysterically. 

So, tonight, we were out lighting early fireworks for the kids, when one of the girls saw me holding a Roman Candle as it was showering its cascade of sparks from the end.   She laughed, and said something about that being a good description for a love scene, and it took us like 2 seconds to come up with THIS winner:

"His Roman Candle of love exploded all over her quivering ground bloom flower" (You know, for a 4th of July themed book.)

Seriously.  Can't.  Stop.  Laughing.

I may have to make a list...

Comments

[Bec]

There's an award given here in the UK - Literary Review Bad Sex in Fiction award - which always makes me cry with laughter.

[Karl]

Wow, I don't know what's more shocking...the sex descriptions or the notion that you're reading that stuff.

[Miss Ann Thrope]

I'm partial to glistening loins myself. Loins is such an under used word.

I like Judith McNaught and Kathleen Woodiwiss. The End.

[Hilly]

I think you should make a list...and don't let Karl judge - it's like the equivalent of us watching "THE FLAVOR OF LOVE" on VH1 ;).